Dating other Mothers

This week I've had a flurry of mommy dates.  And there is one thing I've learned: just because we are moms, does not mean that we should be friends. This is a rookie lesson, I'm sure.  But, man, I'm learning it the hard way. It's strange.  This new mommy socializing world.  It really feels like dating. Sort of. Anyway.

Take today, for instance.  I drove thirty minutes to meet a mom and her two kids at a Cracker Barrel for breakfast this morning.  Note: breakfast.  As in, both G and I had on clothes and our hair was brushed by 8AM.  This is sacrificial in my world. I do not do anything quickly in the morning.  But, she had initiated this date a few weeks ago and I wanted to get to know her.  

I was running a few minutes late and so I texted her to let her know I'd be there shortly.  I got there before her and waited a little while.  Well, G is at the age that if I put him down in a Cracker Barrel we would end up having to buy a couple of throw pillows and some glass frog figurine because he would destroy it all.  So, since I couldn't stand around holding him for long, I got a table.  After we were seated, I texted to let her know where our table was.  After about fifteen minutes, she still hadn't responded to either texts, so I decided to go ahead and order.  I mean, after twenty minutes into a restaurant excursion with a toddler and there is no food on the way, you start getting strategic.  Another fifteen minutes went by and I rechecked my texts to confirm the location/time.  You know how you do.  I even sent another text to let her know that we were ordering (she's a texter, by the way).  And, of course, I called my husband to announce that I'm pretty sure I was being stood up for the first time. Well, our food came and we ate and it was a good forty five minutes after she was suppose to meet me, so I started to get a little worried.   One more text of "Is everything ok?" and she immediately calls me.  And, I kid you not, she starts with "Ohhhhh, hey!" and then proceeds to go into a long explanation of how she had both of her children dressed and ready to go and then she got distracted filing papers.  Filing papers. And then she actually DESCRIBED to me the papers that she was filing and why they needed to be filed.  And, btw, she doesn't work outside the home, so the paper was, like, her mail.  I was all HUH? What? OK.

Then, THEN, she goes "Well, what are you doing later today?" And, I'm all "Oh, Yes! Let's totally get together.  I really want to spend more of my time on you today!!!" No, I was not.  Instead, I tried to get off the phone as quickly as possible (I had reached the point of letting G play with the creamers on the table). And then she says "Awww, but I was really looking forward to hanging out with you!."  And I'm sure there was an apology in there somewhere.  But my eyes had gone crossed and I was done with the conversation.

I mean, for real ya'll! I told my mom there are many more excuses that she could have given me that would have given our friendship a chance.   But there is something about the filing of the papers - even though your kids were dressed and ready?! -  that let me know that we just won't be friends. You know? And, let me add, she better be glad that G is content to sit and eat.  Because I know some other mommas who would have taken their earrings off.  You don't make a momma with a toddler wait on you! 

Rule #4: Throw a Tea Party

Host a tea party for goodness sake.

Why a tea party, you may ask? Well, they are very important. You know what I mean. Everyone acts and feels important at a tea party. It is impossible to attend a tea party and not sit up straight, smile, and be very inquisitive. At a tea party, everyone feels special. Therefore, you should host one once a year.

I must admit that I am a world class tea party hostess. I mean, man, I am good. Over the holidays, my cousins and I decided to host a ladies tea at my grandmother's house. We're talking fine china and smoked salmon sandwiches. It was divinely awesome. Almost all of the women on my mother's side were in attendance. My inspiration for this particular tea party came from a trip to London last spring, where I treated myself to high tea at Fortnum and Mason (next time you find yourself on Picadilly Street, and want to spend your life's fortune on feeling important, go there and have high tea: http://www.fortnumandmason.com/Our-Restaurants/St-James-Restaurant.aspx). This was the inspired menu:

• Two types of cookies, a fruit filled and a chocolate filled (from the store)
• Smoked salmon, cream cheese, and caper sandwiches (cut into little triangles, of course)
• Tomato, mozzarella and basil sandwiches (add a little olive oil and pepper)
• Mini artichoke, parmesan, and basil quiches (just toss these ingredients with egg, bread crumbs, and olive oil then throw it in a muffin pan and bake at 350 for twenty minutes)
• Mozzarella wrapped in prosciutto (so tasty, just cut cubes of mozzarella and wrap it with thin slices of prosciutto, serve with olives, fancy!)
• Fruit tray (I suggest using mango and grapes for sure. Do NOT try a horny melon - may sound fun and exotic, but does not taste fun or exotic)

Just add a pitcher of hot water, a random selection of tea bags, and one additional beverage (we chose cranberry juice because it looked pretty in the light green crystal glasses). The last touch is the decorations, and if you are using nice china like we did, just add lots of candles. Believe it or not, all of this only took two hours to cook and serve. Tada!

Now, because tea parties are so important and everyone acts their best, you should take advantage of this and encourage insightful conversation. Ask thought provoking questions that everyone would love to share about (even if it's just you and your daughter). Here are a few questions that we discussed:

• What fictional character do you most admire?
• What is something you've always wanted to do and haven't gotten the chance to?
• Who was your first kiss?
• Share any interesting fact about yourself in one minute (for this one, I asked everyone to break up into pairs, take turns sharing, then had everyone share their partner's story)

Deliberate conversation starters are so underrated these days. Tea parties are a perfect place to ask great, cut to the chase, questions. I mean, when would you think to ask your aunt to share about her first kiss story? Or, how would you find out that your sister-in-law would have liked to have been a professional cheerleader? My grandmother even shared that she was dating two other men at the time she met my grandfather! Who knew? Very fun.

Some of you may dismiss this rule because you say that you are not good at hosting or do not like hosting. Well to that, I say you just need to become a better person. Little acts of hospitality are essential to being a good person and tea parties are easy and inexpensive. There is something about a tea party that makes a small form of hospitality seem like you've gone above and beyond. Seriously, next time a friend or neighbor stops by, pull out a nice cup, serve hot tea and cookies and watch the two of you become BFFL. Just maybe hold off on the first kiss question until after they've had a couple cups of Earl Gray.

And you dudes out there, I don't want to hear it. Since when do you not like cookies and conversation? If you were to ask any female with a brain to help you host a tea party they would turn a cartwheel and make it happen.

Rule #3: Everyone should love Kenny Chesney. And everyone should keep it a secret.

Yes, you should love Kenny. In fact, you clearly do.

Look, I know, I know. Joni Mitchel has your heart. You know every Bob Dylan and U2 song. You can even name dozens of emo bands. You are so-phis-ti-cated. Yet, you love Kenny.

This is why you love him:

Kenny Chesney - Summertime

This song came on the radio the other day and I nearly fainted I sang so loud. Bare feet on the dash board, young love, and an old Ford! Great Heavens! Kenny, you kill me!

He just kills you too. Every time he comes on the radio you get chills. Yet, you keep this burning love a secret. You have no choice. You can't really explain it. One thing you do know is that you cannot admit to loving a man who will never be seen without a hat. And he will never take that hat off. Ever. Just take it off Kenny so that we can fully love you!

Whatever the reason is, you've got an image to maintain, my peeps. You can't go around singing about Yoo-Hoo's rolling on the floor board. You love Coldplay, for goodness sake.

Rule #2: Wear Lipstick

Ladies,

Wear lipstick. Just do it. Every day. You look better with it on.
I know you have your excuses, but they're all rubbish.

To help, I have debunked a few common excuses for you:

1. "My man doesn't like it when I wear makeup."

Your man also thinks that your best look is that bright pink spandex shirt and a freakin' mini skirt. They also don't notice if you've chopped your hair off and died it black. The only reason that you think that they don't like lipstick is because you've asked them and they decided to give you the safe answer. Dudes don't know what they're talking about. So, sorry, not a good excuse.

2. "My man doesn't like to kiss sticky lips."

Lucky you that you kiss your man so much during the day that the thought of wiping off and reapplying your lipstick is just too much. Gibberish.

3. "I don't want to look too made-up. "

For this excuse, I will refer to one of my girl crushes:

Granted, it's Gwen, but look at her. Baby in hand, casually dressed, and bam! Red lips. But yet, it works, because it just looks so good. It will do the same for you. Really.

3. "I don't have the time to put on make up."

Whatever. Not possible. When your lips are chapped, do you have time to put on chapstick?

4. "I don't like make up."

No, you do. What you mean is, 1) You don't like the way foundation feels on your face, or 2) You don't know how to put makeup on correctly. That's another post. Either way, I'm just talking about lipstick.

Look, I'm doing you a favor. If you don't believe me, try the following exercise:

Get your best sweatpants/nasty hair look going on (best to try at end of day). Take a good look at yourself in the mirror or take a picture. Then, go and put on the darkest lip color you have or that shiny lipgloss that you save for going out. Now, go look in the mirror or take another picture.

Voila! Wow! Go Gwen! All I can do is look at your sexy lips! I didn't know your face was so thin!

Girls, just wear lipstick.

Rule #1: PowerPoint This!

You don't just whip out a PowerPoint presentation when you don't have to. Really.

Today I arrived at my career counseling class, psyched that I would blow away my "3 minute informal talk about someone who inspires you" speech with my wit, charm, and glossed lips. Until.

The first student gets up with a freakin' fifteen minute PowerPoint presentation, with tons of pictures and energetic segways into her points. AND THE PROFESSOR LOVED IT!

What the heck? Informal? Three-to-four minutes? How does that translate to fifteen minutes and twenty slides of graphs, photos and heart warming quotes?

So, I wait, hoping for a fellow student to have my back and get up there and wing it with a three minute speech about their father. Nope.

The next five freakin' students had PowerPoint and obviously had given it tons of preparation. The only student who did what was assigned told the story of his best friend who was some Olympic gymnast. Great. He took 3 mintues, but showed a youtube video of his best friend nailing the bars and winning the bronze in Beijing.

I started to sweat. How could this be happening to me? I am the best damn public speaker in this class. THIS WAS MY TIME TO SHINE!

But no. Less impressive speakers kicked butt with their stupid presentations. Don't they know it's more difficult to get one's point across in 3 minutes, and that's the challenge!

Fortunately, half the class took their fifteen minutes of fame, and now I have until next week to produce a youtube video or flowery presentation.

This brings me to the subject of my blog: THERE ARE RULES.

It's unspoken, but you don't just go above and beyond on an easy class assignment, because then everyone will be graded accordingly.